Getting Un-Stuck during Difficult Times

There have been many days of sad and stressful news at home and in our homeland. I suspect many of you reading this email are not doing so well right now, and I know some community members feel especially emotional or vulnerable. In particular, I have heard from many parents and teachers unsure whether and how to engage our children on these topics.

I am also struggling and feeling stuck. I’m not sure what this moment demands of me as a Jew, an American, a Zionist, an educator… a human. At the same time, feeling stuck is a luxury I don’t think I can afford- neither in terms of my own mental health nor as a member of society. Regardless, children definitely do not allow us to remain stuck- they need us even when we are not sure we can provide what they need.

When I feel stuck, it helps me revisit principles and approaches I have previously articulated during times of more clarity. They remind me that I know how to take a step forward even if I am unsure of the entire path. I took time this week to remind myself of what I already know about speaking with children during difficult times, and I’d like to offer them to you in case they are helpful.

1. Check-in with yourself before you have these conversations with your children. Notice how you feel. Use your go-to tools to self-regulate and engage calmly. You don’t have to pretend to be okay, but these tools will likely help you interact more productively with your children. It’s the put-on-your-own mask first concept. 

2. Follow your child’s lead.  Ask them whether they want to talk. “Do you want to talk about the war in Israel?”; “Is there anything you want to discuss about our country right now?”; or simply, “Let’s shmooze. What’s on your mind right now? Is there anything you want to discuss that you have feelings or questions about?”You may want to share some news with them proactively. If so, tell them why you think it is important, and ask if they are receptive to hearing. Be okay with their level of interest and emotional response, whether significant or non-existent and try to normalize it. Obviously, this is very child-specific: consider their age, temperament, and mental health.

3. Be careful about oversharing. Stressful details and laundry lists are rarely helpful.Overhearing news (TV, radio, podcasts) is likely not helpful. Sitting together to read or listen to certain news and discussing it may make sense.

4. Be truthful.  Children know the world isn’t all good and can generally handle that reality.Do not make promises you cannot keep.Take the opportunity to reassure children of their safety to the degree that it is truthful.

5. Encourage questions.  Answer what you can, and affirm the value of the questions that are not easily answered.The message here is, “I can handle anything you ask me or anything you want to share.”

6. Highlight the helpers. Follow Mr. Roger’s ways. Make sure that you point out who is helping. It is essential for many reasons, including the fact that helpers are a real part of the full story of every situation.Find inspiring stories to share amid difficult times. 

7. Find opportunities to do mitzvot. Do something to help someone else. Include your children in an immediate and direct act that is helpful. Add light in the darkness. Think about what you and your child can do to support larger and more systematic change on issues of concern. It is really easy to give tzedakah online.

8. Seek help. Offer support. You do not have to manage alone- whether it is your own emotions or it is figuring out how to support your child. An easy first stop is the Beit Rabban team, me, Shlomit, teachers, etc.Use difficult times as an opportunity to deepen relationships and community. Ask others how they are doing. Offer to listen. Spend time with each other. 

These “rules” help me put one foot in front of the other and move forward when I feel stuck. They help me open up to courageous conversations with children and adults alike. These conversations frequently leave me inspired and more capable of moving forward.Through this week and the many emotions it brought, I keep revisiting a particular paragraph of a book I read last week called, Teaching When the World is on Fire. If you are an educator (or parent) who feels obligated to help your children build a better world, it can feel very overwhelming. The essay suggests:

"There is only one way to begin: We open our eyes. We pay attention. We’re astonished at the beauty in every direction as well as the unnecessary suffering on all sides. We release our imaginations. We act. We doubt and rethink. And we start again. Repeat for a lifetime."